When a positive pregnancy test is a negative

I have this friend. Let’s call her “Denise.”

Denise is a great woman. She is caring and kind. Sweet and funny. But she has this issue where once she falls for someone - she falls hard. Like, “I love you”s exchanged in under three weeks, her wrists are sore from texting him so much and she spends all night dreaming about her new love.

Most of the time she’s been able to walk away unscathed when the relationship turns to crap. But not this last time.

Right before the relationship combusted, she was feeling kind of sick. Took a pregnancy test just to calm her fears. No such luck.

Pregnant.

Still high on love, she figures it will be no big deal to tell her boyfriend. After all, he loves her. He says it every day.

So she’s surprised when he freaks out. Says he’s not ready to be a dad.

“What do you want me to do?” she asks through tears.

“I just know I’m not ready to be a dad,” he repeats.

“What do you want me to do?” she asks again. This time, her voice is clear.

“You do what you need to do.” He sounds distracted. Is he even listening to her?

“I want to have the baby,” she says. “I thought you would be happy.”

“Why would I be happy? We barely know each other.”

She slams the phone down and lets the tears flow.

I can’t even count how many young women I know have gone through a similar situation as Denise. Loved too hard and too soon. Became pregnant and then came up short trying to find support from the one they thought would be there.

So what happens when a woman starts a pregnancy in this way. She already feels like the rug has been pulled from under her. How should we, as a society, act? Should we tell her she should have known better? Tell her to just deal with it as best she can, on her own?

These mothers are doing the best they can, but from the moment the relationship ends, they are scared. Stuck on a love that’s not coming back. Nervous that they’ll somehow fail as a single mother.

I’ve found that these young mothers are in need of a sympathetic ear, not judgmental scowls.

They need help finding financial assistance to start or finish their degree program.

They need friends who can listen when they are alone and scared.

They need teachers who don’t mind if they have to bring their child with them to see them during office hours.

They need people to approach them about building their confidence, not reinforcing tired old stereotypes.

It’s about support. Lots and lots of support.

Support makes the difference between the mother who feels nothing but hopelessness for the future and the mother who is ready to take positive steps to conquer her dreams.