Thanksgiving
I found out I was pregnant on Thanksgiving of 2007. At the time I thought it was ironic that I discovered [what I then saw as] such a disaster on an official day of thanks. I was, not surprisingly for someone who had just turned eighteen, pretty ungrateful about the person-to-be inside me. What I didn't realize was that the pinprick-sized lump of cells wasn't the only person-to-be. I was a person-to-be too.
When a teenager gets pregnant, everyone around them sees the person and the life that has been lost — the supposedly uncomplicated schooling, the job that you don't have to forgo for lack of childcare, the visiting Europe and the being free. Looking at the little pink lines, I thought of these things, and I cried.
But thinking back on that night, I wish to hop into a time machine, give myself a big hug, and tell past me that everything will be okay. Really really. Have a piece of chocolate, and cheer up.
It has been hard being a young parent, but I have also been lucky. The happy future that was erased on that night? It wasn't just replaced by diapers. It was filled with a greater sense of purpose, college delayed a few years but still happening, a novel written, friends met. It was filled with becoming a person of more depth and compassion than the girl who would have gone off to [insert prestigious school here] and navel-gazed for four years if she hadn't been faced with the hardest and best thing ever.
Part of why I've been so lucky is because I have been so supported. My partner, my daughter's father, is the best anyone could ask for. Our families have been enthusiastic babysitters and even more enthusiastic baby spoilers. It takes a village to raise a child — and there's nothing wrong with that.
I'm not telling teens to go out and breed, and I'm not telling parents and family of teens to support their kids' every whim. I am saying that sometimes having a baby turns a sixteen-year-old "baby" into an amazing adult. I am saying that punishing teens for something they cannot undo is a direct cause of teens being worse parents than they otherwise could be. I am saying that life is really complicated, and the supermature grown-ups out there shaking their heads and tutting might do well to learn that lesson from teen moms like me.
Alexandra is the twenty year old mother of a soon-to-be two year old little girl. You can read more of her writing on being a young mom at Teen Mama, Inc.
Comments
Response
Alexandra, I also went through grief when I found out I was pregnant with my daughter. I was so sure that the little stick was falty. I was sure someone was playing a joke on me. Or maybe I just got punk'd. I remember closing my eyes and hoping it would all just go away. But it didn't.
And you are so right, people around see negativity and shake their heads at you and are so quick to judge so quick to shame you. But you know what, they don't know you or me, so who are they to judge. They don't know our story, they have not walked in our shoes, so they need to just hush up already. But that's the problem is the society has created this whole storyline that women who have children will fail. They will end up on welfare, they will not seek to further their education. They will be useless. We have to work together to change that perception and show ourselves that we can succeed.
Yeah, Alex, that is an
Yeah, Alex, that is an outdated narrative, and it has to do with a lot of issues that need drastic change. It's still easier for men to be parents than women, no matter their age, and I think the whole bias against teen mothers isn't really about teens at all -- or at least it didn't start out as being about teens. It started out as being about marriage. As everyone should know if they take five seconds to Google it, teen pregnancy was really high in the fifties... because women married early then. Those teen girls who got pregnant and didn't marry were considered shameful, and that's kind of where it started -- not out of any great concern about teenagers, but out of moral judgment about the institution of marriage. I still believe a lot of anti-teen pregnancy stuff isn't actually about concern for teens. It's about not wanting to deal with people that many view as unsavory.
wish I were a supermature grown up!
Alexandra, great post! I want to let you know that none of the moms of small kids my age (I'm 35 & have a 3 year old & 1 year old) that I know are tut-tutting & shaking their heads. I may be living in some sort of progressive dream world, but all my 30-something mom friends are struggling to figure it out too and we are AMAZED at what teen moms do. I can't believe how hard it is and yes you are right, how it is also the best thing ever. Props to you realizing that years before me.
When I saw that my pregnancy
When I saw that my pregnancy test was positive I was sure that my test was just so old so I got another, and of course it was positive. I was devastated not for myself, but for the life of my unborn child. I just knew that because of my choice her life was going to be awful.. but as time went on I made it my goal not to let that happen. She is a vibrant six month old baby now (I am 18), and although I do not know how her life will be I have given her everything possible in her first 6 months.
I too wish that people would stop judging us because of our age. It disheartens me to think that I am a "bad mother" because of my age, when in reality I know I am not.. I have been told I am a great mother by people I hardly or don't even know, as well as people I know and love. I think that people should get to know someone before they judge them.
Thank you so much for
Thank you so much for supporting us. It means a lot to me, and I am sure it does to many other teen moms who have been misconceived as bad mothers as well.
Erica May, I don't mean all
Erica May, I don't mean all adults tut! There are lots of wonderful people out there who understand that life can throw curveballs. Unfortunately, there will always be the people who judge and try to tear others down as well -- but I do deeply appreciate those who aren't like that. Thank you for your encouragement.
Erica: Ha, now I feel about
Erica: Ha, now I feel about silly -- I thought May was part of your name.
Christina: I'm glad what I wrote speaks to you. I'm sure your baby is well-loved. Aside from the basics of food/shelter, etc. babies mostly need attention and affection, and it sounds like your little one is getting lots of those.
You know what...
Alexandra - you mention the worries of loss that go through the mind of a teenage woman who finds out she is pregnant: "the life that has been lost -- the supposedly uncomplicated schooling, the job that you don't have to forgo for lack of childcare, the visiting Europe and the being free." Well, that makes me think of one of my favorite lines from the Broadway musical "Pippin." In case you're not familiar with it, Pippin is about a young man who is trying to find his purpose in life. He seeks out glory through war, gluttony, sexual escapades, and all the ambitions available to a "free person." He ultimately realizes that having love and a family is what will give his life meaning:
"I'm not a river or a giant bird
that soars to the sea
And if I'm never tied to anything
I'll never be free."
---imagine really beautiful, soulful music :) ---
My point is, people glorify the "freedom" associated with not having responsibility to another person or persons. But when it comes down to it - this kind of freedom is overrated. I much prefer the freedom to love and take care of my family (and receive love and care from them.) Sure it's hard, but as you've said, not impossible. If a young woman chooses to take on that responsibility, that freedom, it is nobody else's business to challenge her decision.
Find Support Wherever You Can
I had my baby (now 13) when I was 45. And, yes, he was a "surprise," too. But, even though I had all the typical ingredients of successful parenting (a loving long-time marriage; financial stability; a job with flexible hours; lots of friends and family), I realized early on that being isolated with a new baby can be extremely stressful. I joined a couple of informal groups that included other parents, some almost half my age. And it made a huge difference. Many near-daily events that that might have been stressful if not shared became humorous when they were. (Like those winter days when you take half an hour to get all the baby's warm clothes on and then you have to change a stinky diaper before you go out!) Our common experiences were more important to us than our disparate ages.
Teen moms can run the risk of being more isolated (friends are in high school; adults may seem too judgmental to be around ... those tutters Alex mentions). But I urge all teen moms to find a community--whether it's through official support groups for teen mothers, through local resources for parents of any age, or even just word of mouth.
I met other mothers of babies exactly my son's age at the wonderful drop-in center for parents in my town, at La Leche League meetings, and even at an "infant massage" class offered at the local hospital (the moms spent more time bonding with each other than we did actually rubbing our babies!).
Mothers of all ages need to find their "village." Having support can make such a difference in the quality of your experience and thus of your child's, too.
Thanks, Alex.
Jennifer
Those are some gorgeous and true lines, Jennifer. I remember one of my friends saying he felt sorry for me that I wouldn't be able to be all crazy and free like typical college students, and I was kind of like, "For me, the point of that would just have been to learn that I didn't like it." The best moments in life happen with people we love, and I feel like a lot of youthful freedom is valuable particularly because it teaches people that. On the other hand, I also feel like I have a more realistic view of the happiness family life can and CAN'T bring than many older adults. I see a lot of adults thinking they will be happy once they have that picket fence and 1.5 kids, and that's true in some senses -- it gives a sense of purpose -- but it's all a balance. Hmm. Now I'm just rambling.
Re: Sally
That's true about having a support system. It's hard to get non-parents (or parents who never stayed home with the baby) to understand, but being alone with a baby all the time is simultaneously a joyful and mind-numbing experience. It's really overwhelming. I've definitely talked to some young moms who feel like they have nobody who understands -- everyone's either judgmental because they're a lot older or because they're young and think you're boring if you're a parent. It's worth it to find the people who aren't like that, and they're certainly out there. I identify with pretty much all moms who have a child around my age, and even generally with all moms with kids of any age.
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