Lessons of Loss

I peed on the stick and I waited. I prayed for one line, a negative pregnancy test. I saw two lines and I thought I was dreaming. How could this happen? Well, we all know how it happens. Why me I thought? What am I going to do? I already have one child, a child who needs all of my attention, a child that is chronically ill. I’m supposed to graduate with my associates in May and go to UMASS Boston in September. This isn’t supposed to happen. I had no clue what to do, so I cried. I sat on the couch with Ben & Jerry eating from the ice cream carton and watched the saddest movie I could find and just cried. For the first time in my life I considered abortion. I called my insurance company and they said they would cover the whole procedure which I was shocked about. I called Planned Parenthood and the receptionist seemed happy with the thought of me asking about getting an abortion. She sounded like it was an everyday thing, no feeling in her voice, not a care in the world. I hung up on her and rethought about my decision. The next day I started having severe pain in my abdomen. I started bleeding and I had no idea what to do. I called an obstetrician and they immediately saw me. They did labs to confirm I was pregnant and then they sent me to the emergency room for an ultrasound. Nobody knew what was happening and I was so scared. When they did the ultrasound the technician would not tell me anything. I begged her to tell me if my baby was okay. She looked at me and said “We cannot confirm a pregnancy in the uterus. This is not a normal pregnancy.” Unlike the women at Planned Parenthood, the technician cared. She held my hand and told me she was so sorry and asked if there was anybody she could call. They sent me home hoping I would miscarry on my own, I didn’t. The next day the doctor called and told me to go to the emergency room and get methotraxadine which is used to induce and abortion. I didn’t go. I felt like my world was crashing down.

Although I considered abortion I could have never gone through with it. All I cared about was this baby, this baby that was technically not a baby yet since I was only nine weeks pregnant. I went to the emergency room three days later after the doctor left me many messages urging me to go. When I got there I was brought into a room and give another ultrasound. They told me in was an ectopic pregnancy, the baby was not growing the uterus but instead was growing in my fallopian tube. I fell apart. They told me there was no way to save the baby at all. And because of a pre-existing medical condition that I have they wanted to do surgery instead of give me the shot to induce the miscarriage. I thought my life was over. I ended up miscarrying on my own and did not have to have surgery which I was thankful for. I stayed in bed for four days and cried. I wanted to go to sleep and never wake up. My daughter wanted to play with me, wanted to be with me, asked me what was wrong. I felt like the worst mother in the world because I wanted nothing to do with her. All I cared about was the child I had lost. Then someone knocked some sense into me and said “You cannot stop living for the child that you lost, instead you must live for the child that you have.” And that’s what I did. That experience made me thankful for everybody and everything around me. I am more grateful for my daughter than I have ever been.

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