On February 19, 2014, I was in a bad car accident. I was driving straight through an intersection, on a green for me, while the other person decided to take a left coming from the opposite direction, and smashed into the driver’s side and pushed my car so hard it went into a pole. I do not know if I have been so scared in my life, but at the same time, I found myself thanking god that my son was not in the car. I just felt like everything shattered in my world. I did what the doctor said, I took time off work, did physical therapy, took medication, and did not pick up my son. This not being able to work and not doing what I usually do, has led me to start to go back on the path of depression. I felt like doing nothing, sometimes sleeping too much, just not taking care of myself. It made me feel awful to know I was not being the best mother my son deserves. It brought back memories of being depressed back at the end of my high school years and a little after. I became depressed because of underlying issues of adoption, a break up with an ex-boyfriend, whom at that time I loved, but what pushed me over the edge was being raped and dealing with the trial and testifying… Just that dark black path of bad memories and places I just did not want to revisit.
Those feelings and actions, of cutting yourself, sleeping too much, not eating or eating too much, isolation, no motivation, and the worst feeling of all, the feeling of being suicidal, because you feel you are not worthy enough to be in this world and a couple of times getting so close to ending your life. Throughout the many years, I have worked on myself and dug into those issues of being adopted and how I felt different from my peers and friends, the break up and how it affected me, and conquered my feelings of the whole rape case. Through time, being adopted did not bother me. I have been able to speak up about my assault and feel strong to say that I am a survivor, and that feeling of healing is so amazing and empowering. Issues of the break up, I realized there wasn’t anything wrong with me, it just was not a good fit in the end and I am glad. I am so happy how my life has turned out and where it is headed. I might not be able to work for a little, but I have an amazing job, I have great friends. I am going to college to eventually become a Dr. I have the best family who are so supportive and amazing, I have a partner who loves me for me and supports me in absolutely everything I do, works his butt off, and we created the most incredible, intelligent, kind hearted, sweet, lovable, etc. I can go on forever, little boy! The most absolute best part and life changing is being a mother. Therefore, in regards to being depressed about the accident, I have picked myself up, decided to not go down that dark path again, and just realized this is just a little bump in my life journey. My family and everybody around me deserve to see a happy and healthy Lauren, but most importantly, my son and I deserve it the most.
My message to anybody who is going through depression is you can heal and be happy again. Work through those issues that are making you feel this way. Whether it be sexual or violence abuse or assault, bad break ups, adoption or foster care issues, the list goes on. If you have children, do it for them, but more importantly, do it for yourself. So, you can be the best person you are meant to be. It is very hard, I will never say it is otherwise, but the reward you get from healing makes everything worth it. People do believe in you, but YOU have to be the first one to believe in yourself. No matter what it is, you can pick yourself up, dust your knees and hands off, walk towards the light at the end of the dark tunnel and achieve whatever you set your mind to in life.