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Strong Woman, Strong Girl
This post is part of the Strong Families Mama’s Day celebration. We asked our bloggers to talk about what makes their family strong.
Between my 6th and 7th birthday, my parents separated and divorced, I moved into a new house, I switched schools, and I said goodbye to my friends. My tiny family of 5 divided into two even smaller families. While I understand the reasons today, my parents’ divorce was tough for me at the time. Many times I wondered if relationships were meant to last or if people were just meant to get sick of each other. Too often, I told myself that if two people who love each other can hate each other, then love cannot be real.
My life as a teen was wonderful as an honor roll student, dance team captain, volleyball player, and member of numerous extracurricular activities. As an active teen, I had many games for my parents to attend and many activities for them to support… but they rarely did. Their dislike for each other was so strong that it was hard to have them in the same room and not feel awkward. They missed out on a lot of the wonderful things I did. I wish they saw how great I was because at the age of seventeen, I gave birth to my daughter and all those wonderful things I was did came to an end. I no longer held the title of “example student,” I became the “example problem”.
On that day I gave birth, I discovered love was real again. My heart genuinely felt true and genuine love for someone who would soon call me mama. I knew that all the excuses I gave myself for being weak and all the reasons I had to break down and give up were useless now. This was an opportunity to find the strength in myself that I knew I carried.
When my daughter was a baby, she was more than just my child. She was my therapist. As I looked into her eyes, I saw hope and I saw a future that I never imagined before. I always knew that I would do something great with my life, but now I had someone else watching me every step of the way. Every night in bed, I would ask myself, “How do I want to be remembered?” or “What will my daughter tell her grandchildren about me?” While it seems stressful to think about, I saw it as an opportunity to change our lives and create a story based on strength and love.
Within my daughter’s first year of life, I graduated from high school, left an abusive relationship, moved out into the world on my own, enrolled into college, and started working to support my two-person family. Many times, I had valid reasons to break down and cry but each time, I saw it as an opportunity to build my strength – and I did. Every time I felt like the world was against me and my chances were low, I thought about the future and how this moment would become a great memory of strength.
Now that my daughter is in kindergarten, I have regular meetings with her teacher to follow up on progress. At my first meeting, her teacher made a comment that really touched me, “Nelly is a strong girl.” It brought tears to my eyes and I knew at that very moment, that everything I was doing, I was doing right. All of the qualities I was trying to build into my child were sticking. Her ability to understand and relate to other children, her love and care for others, her desire to learn and teach others, and her courage – all qualities she now carried. With strength in place, there is very little my daughter won’t accomplish. And for this, I am thankful for everything I have experienced as it has created a joyous life today.
After giving birth to a daughter at the age of seventeen, Natasha dedicated her life to becoming an amazing parent, finding happiness, overcoming society’s stereotypes, and conquering her own definition of success. Through blogging, mentorship programs, public speaking, and many other platforms, Natasha aims to use her story to prevent teen pregnancy, undo the negative image of teen moms, and to empower and motivate teen parents to beat the odds. While she dreams of becoming a writer, she uses social media (find her on Twitter @NatashaVianna) and blogging as a platform to speak to her peers and change the perception of young parenthood.
My Family's Strength
This post is part of the Strong Families Mama’s Day celebration. We asked our bloggers to talk about what makes their family strong.
To many people my having a child out of wedlock as a teenager meant I was going to fail. In the eyes of the naysayers by choosing to give my child life I was doing my daughter, my community, and society a disservice. Because how could I ever amount to anything other than a disappointment?
To many people I am stupid. I am reckless. I’m a slut. What a stupid mistake I made to become pregnant as a teenager. Wasn’t I smart enough to use protection? Why was I so stupid, why didn’t I make a better choice? This is what I feel them say when their judgment burns through me. To them I am just another statistic. Just another black girl who got knocked up.
To many people the assumed broken home that I have created and am raising my daughter in by not being in a relationship with her Father, has no apparent benefit to her, and in fact my being the head of our household will as a result mean failure for her as well. And so the cycle continues.
Too many times I doubted myself and my capacity to be a good mother. Far too often I let these negative thoughts creep into my thoughts, haunting me. Making me question my own strength and resilience. It was often with a shaky hand and self-doubt that I moved forward and persevered as a young single mom.
Too many people talking and passing judgment who were quick to count me out before speaking a single word to me. Too many people who know too little who think they know a lot, think they know that my family is weak.
With one hand lifted high in the sky I stand firm and light the way for my family to move forward. My family’s strength doesn’t come from my age, it comes from our love and respect and commitment for each other. Could I have given up on my daughter and myself? It would have been easy. Too easy. I’ve learned that true strength comes from rising to the occasion; it comes from facing challenges and sometimes being beat. My family’s strength has come from our ability to get back up after we’ve been beat and come back stronger. Fiercer. I have an obligation to my daughter, my community, and myself and I intend on being held responsible. And so I continue to strive, and better myself so I can in turn be a better woman and mother. I’ve completed college, I’ve gotten a great job, I even have a library named after me in Zimbabwe. But, most importantly I am raising a kind, giving, and friendly child who will go on and help change her community. And so I will continue to light the way for her, for us, as long as I can because she deserves it. We deserve it.
Alexandra is a 20 something mom to a six year old daughter living outside the Boston area. Inspired by the desire to help others, Alexandra launched her new blog Alexandra Elizabeth in late spring 2012 to give a home to her thoughts on motherhood and life in general, and to connect with other mothers and woman. Alexandra has been a guest on the Co-Parenting 101 show and website, WeParent.com, ThePushback.org, and Steppsboston.org, and featured in Jet Magazine.
Mama's Day: What makes your family strong? (Part 2)
These videos are part of the Strong Families Mama’s Day celebration. We ask these young mothers what made their family strong, and what support would help them keep their family strong.
Strong Family = Strong Support System
This post is part of the Strong Families Mama’s Day celebration. We asked our bloggers to talk about what makes their family strong.
A strong family is only as good as its support system. Through my journey as a single mother I have learned a lot about my fears, my weaknesses, and my strengths. I used to worry a lot about how people saw my children. It wasn’t about me, the former teen mother, the girl who goes out with her kids and still looks like the older sister; it was about the children of this young, single mother. I worried if people at school felt bad for them because there was no father on their emergency contacts card. I worried if they were seen differently by their friends because grandma picked them up when I couldn’t make it and dad never came to any of their games or school activities. I wondered if the doctor thought I wasn’t smart enough to understand when they talked to me during our visits. I worried a bit too much.
As my children have gotten older, many of those fears and doubts have begun to subside. Looking back now, I realize that I have met so many people who have been supportive of me and my decisions. People who have taken the time to educate me, to teach me, to help me be a better parent and pass along lessons to my children of what a healthy, strong family looks like. Today, I’m no longer scared and I no longer feel powerless. I have the confidence to approach others and ask for help. I have the confidence to take my kids to the park and not worry about what other parents think. I have the satisfaction of coming home every afternoon and knowing that my little family is a strong as ever.
I am grateful for those who take the time to hold our hands and guide us out to the world. I am glad that there are support systems for families who face many of the doubts that I faced. Who acknowledge that they don’t meet the unrealistic standards set by society but are willing to do anything to ensure their families hold the one thing society doesn’t place enough emphasis on: the unbreakable bond of communication, respect, and love. If you were to ask me today who helped me build my strong little family I would in a heartbeat answer it’s people like you. Those who believe that while we are in a detour, we are still human beings with the same desire as everyone else: to make our children (and ourselves!) happy.
The support of organizations that continuously work to improve the lives of families like mine are doing what they envision – helping us and many others. I’m a supporter of volunteers, of policymakers, and of those community leaders who are able to connect with us and who fight for the services that help us find the road to self-sufficiency. I am grateful for their genuine interest in families which with time will yield a better society. I am grateful for having had that help to accept that I am capable of building and maintaining a strong family. I am grateful for finally feeling like a proud mother, and grateful to have such a strong village helping me in raising my children.
Lisette is a proud mother of two, and advocate for young mothers, for families of children with disabilities, and abused women. Through life’s experiences she has learned to appreciate those who have helped her, and has learned to share her stories to help others.
Mama's Day: What makes my family strong?
This post is part of the Strong Families Mama’s Day celebration. We asked our bloggers to talk about what makes their family strong.
What makes my family strong?Me. Finally recognizing my value and what I bring to my family helps make us, as a unit, so incredibly strong. Let me explain. When I was just starting out as a mother, I didn’t quite understand the role. I was terrified because everything just seemed so hard and as a young mother in particular, it seems like people were waiting for me to fail.
Raising a human is a daunting task for sure, but I let that fear propel me for a number of years. Every time my kids cried I was right there before the tear hit their cheek. They needed food? I’m heading to the store. They fell down? I’ve got the Band-Aids right here. I put myself second for so long. I could find myself worn out from the daily grind of motherhood but I refused to stop and take inventory of my needs, of how far down the list I had allowed myself to fall.
I realized then that my family was slipping, even though I thought I was giving them everything I had. I was trying to keep too many balls in the air and they kept dropping. So I made some changes. I began getting up before my kids so I could start the day with a fresh mind. I would put them to bed a half-hour early during particularly crazy weeks. I began taking one-on-one dates with my kids, to ensure that I could see them as individuals. It wasn’t until I began to prioritize and put my needs a little higher on the list that I would have characterized my family as “strong.”
Tara Jefferson is a hardworking mom of two and blogger at TheYoungMommyLife.com. She’s also the author of Make It Happen, a career guide for young mothers.
Mama's Day: What makes your family strong? (Part 1)
These videos are part of the Strong Families Mama’s Day celebration. We ask these young mothers what made their family strong, and what support would help them keep their family strong.
Mama's Day: My Strong Family
This post is part of the Strong Families Mama’s Day celebration. We asked our bloggers to talk about what makes their family strong.
Love, hard work, and laughter are my ingredients for my strong family.
One of my favorite quotes is “Do all things with love.” Don’t act out of hate, don’t speak out of anger, and never treat someone in a way you would not want to be treated. My daughter and I follow those rules daily and go out of our way to spread out unconditional love with others too. Its important to me that my daughter knows the power of love and knows I love her unconditionally and isn’t afraid to express her unconditional love to others either.
Second, with hard work anything is possible, including having a happy, healthy, loving family. With a little dedication, commitment, and unconditional love my family has blossomed. Lastly, and most importantly laugh it off. My daughter and I find ourselves laughing at each other through out the day; telling jokes, watching funny dog videos on you tube, or having tickle fights. Laughter is an important part of lives and keeps our family light hearted, easy going, and fun!
Jessica is 20 years old, and her beautiful daughter Lillian will be three in June. She lives in Mandan, North Dakota. She currently works as a cosmetologist while going to college fulltime. She’s pursuing a degree in Psychology, and hopes to become a counselor who works with single mothers and young families. She hopes to inspire and motivate other young parents to pursue an educational degree, and knows that if they put their mind to something and are passionate; they can achieve anything.
Is this disturbing?
As the child of a teen parent, I would expect Dr. Boyce Watkins to have some sympathy for teen parents. After reading this article on TheRoot.com, I was shocked to know he would judge these girls.
Just because a group of girls with similar lives decided to take a picture together does NOT mean there was a pregnancy pact. Is it too hard to believe that 4 girls from the same community or school got pregnant, were connected by their pregnancies, THEN became friends as a means of finding support in a judgmental world? When I became a teen mom, I didn’t know any teen moms. By the time I was 6 or 7 months, I finally had a group of 2 or 3 other teen moms who related to me. For the first time, I could be happy around my peers and not feel isolated.
In my opinion, proudly displaying a baby bump is the first step to becoming a great mother. Why should teen moms have to hide their bellies when older moms are posting painted belly pics all over the web? These young girls are probably going into their third trimester meaning they’ve had a few months to accept their pregnancy and make the remainder of it a happy and healthy one. Sadness, misery, anger and stress are all dangerous for babies. Should we remind them every time they smile during their pregnancy that their bellies are disturbing? Shouldn’t we just be happy that they are even smiling through the struggle?
Disturbing. The word makes me cringe. Being happy about the end of their pregnancy is not disturbing. What ISN’T pictured is what IS disturbing – the judgment, the stereotyping, the discrimination, the struggles, the unnecessary (and constant) opinions of others, and the isolation young parents are forced to face. The mere thought that teen parents have to keep their happiness hidden is disturbing. The idea that taking a photo with other pregnant girls means there was a pact is disturbing. And what else is disturbing? Using the word “PACT” puts all the blame on the teen parents and takes the responsibility away from the educators and adults in their lives. It comes with the notion of “if there was a pact, there is nothing we could have done to prevent it.” This then leaves a gaping hole in a serious issue – preventing teen pregnancy.
Why does the image of a teen mom’s pregnancy offend someone? When I was pregnant, I only took photos of happy moments but could barely fill up one album. I’m sorry I don’t have miserable photos to share but here’s a photo of me (at 17 years old) smiling during the begininning of my third trimester. Let me tell you what my smile didn’t say: I was kicked out of my home, I was abused, I was depressed, and I was going through my entire pregnancy completely alone but I don’t regret my smile or my picture.
Is this disturbing?
On Volunteer Appreciation, from an Appreciative Volunteer
What would we do without volunteers? Working in the non-profit world I have grown to appreciate and value the hard work people who volunteer actually do. They dedicate time to a vision, because they believe. They are committed and contribute the most valuable resource – themselves.
Having been through different programs that were often run by volunteers, I can look back now and say that the fact that I saw others contributing and giving back made an impact in my life. It made me realize that it is not always about the money and how much you donate; it’s also about that support that organizations, programs, and clients need from an actual human. I learned that I could be a volunteer too and make a difference.
For the past five years I have volunteered for many organizations and many causes. I have grown to appreciate and enjoy each experience. The best part of it is that I am passing it down to my children and they also value the work and contributions their time and energy does for a cause. Seeing my daughter read to the elderly at a nursing home or being an ambassador to new children at school fills my heart with joy. If it weren’t because there are kind people out there who believe and have some faith, then I wouldn’t have ever learned the true meaning of volunteering, and my children wouldn’t have either. Just like everything else, when you help a teen parent, you’re helping that child as well, and I am so thankful.
This Volunteer Appreciation Week I’d like to say thank you to all those people who believe in teen parents, who donate their time to be mentors and to contribute to organizations. To those people who help us raise our kids and encourage us, YOU are very important.
Ending the Teen Pregnancy Cycle
Getting it into our heads that girls and boys are sexual beings is the first step to realizing that teen pregnancy is 100% preventable. Pretending there isn’t a hormonal and physical change within your child’s body is not going to suppress their innate desire to engage with others. Trust me, I know.
Here is a little background on me: When I decided to start having sex, I knew I wanted the physical and emotional aspect of it but I didn’t fully comprehend love and the risks I was taking. I believed I was in love and was going to spend the rest of my life with this person. At seventeen, I became a teen mom. When my parents found out, they kicked me out and made me live with “the love of my life”. Mother was disappointed. Mother was also a teen mom. Is teen pregnancy hereditary? No. In my opinion, my mother didn’t believe she was a teen mom, disassociated herself from the title and considered herself an exception. Thus, not worrying about my sexuality or educating me about the realities of intimacy because it wasn’t going to be an issue. Although I made the decision to engage with my boyfriend, I wasn’t equipped with the knowledge to make healthier decisions.
Now that my daughter is in elementary school, I find myself thinking about sexuality more and more now. Being a young mom has an advantage… I still vividly remember being her age. Because of my ability to understand and relate, our communication has been ultimately amazing. One major part of growing up is having a support person who can talk to you about feelings, emotions, development, body parts, growth, sexuality, and so on without having an agenda.
What do I do and how do I handle raising a little girl with promiscuity promoted in the media and sexuality constantly misinterpreted? How do I urge her to wait to have sex, practice safe sex, and avoid becoming a teen parent when I did the opposite of all three? How will she understand how tough being a teen parent can be when her mother never showed her a moment of struggle or stress?
Here is my first thought. Teen pregnancy is not my first concern. Building communication and allowing her to understand sexuality are my first concerns. Having the ability to connect and talk about anything and everything will be the key in our relationship and in her relationships. I have the ability to set an example and set the bar high for her.
I think about these things everyday. I realize how quickly the years go by and all the opportunities that I don’t want to miss. If there is one thing I want to ensure, it’s that her mother educated her with the truth and with facts about sexuality and relationships. My opinions will not be biased as a parent because there will be peers to tell her the truth anyway. Another fear: peers. They will jump at the opportunity to tell my daughter the newest myths that she would believe (if she didn’t already know the truth).
In the end, I know I won’t have all the answers for her and that is the point. I will not always be there to help her make a decision. However, I will know what goes on in her life because she will want the tools to make the right choices. Whenever she has to make a decision about her body, I want her to know that she is the only one who can make that decision – not me, not her dad, not her boyfriend, not anyone else. I must let her own her body and decide for herself. This can be a hard idea to swallow but knowing she will make every choice with truth and knowledge keeps me calm.
