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Reproductive Coercion is a Form of Abuse
As we enter the second half of the National Month for Teen Pregnancy Prevention, I am disappointed with the lack of comprehensive education on the realities of unplanned pregnancies. Between negative campaigns and public shaming, I worry young people are not gaining the education they need to make positive sexual health decisions for themselves.
I remember being young and trying to grasp the idea of being in healthy relationships but having unsupportive people who didn’t believe I was mature enough to fall in love. I was often told my relationship was not serious, that it was just an experience in my young life, that it wasn’t important, and that it didn’t matter. Yet, I was in this “young relationship” making very mature choices that I needed help with, not judgment. And without respect or support, I had no one to turn to for guidance and advice.
Much of what I learned about love, relationships, and sex came from the partners in my young life. Needless to say, it is a vital part of the experience but I was not given a sturdy foundation or understanding of what a relationship entailed. But this meant I was learning from young men, what they learned through media, through double standards, through sexist ideas, and through the misogynistic belief that I was their property.
For a long time, I thought I was being strong but I was really just yearning for reciprocated love from my boyfriend. My teen years were hard. Between the unstable relationship with my family and a constant feeling of being unappreciated, I loved the way my boyfriend protected me, loved me, and reminded me how wonderful I was. I trusted him more than anyone - more than myself.
But when we think of abuse today, many of us immediately think of physical and emotional trauma. This is how I envisioned violence towards women. But it took a long time before I realized… when a guy refuses to wear a condom, it is just as painful and just as devastating. However, reproductive coercion and birth control sabotage are issues often unnoticed and undiscussed.
In many relationships, the abusive partner pressures you into proving your love and commitment. For those who know what it’s like to be in an abusive relationship, saying no, walking away isn’t easy, or seeking help isn’t easy.
From Bedsider.org:
One large study in Northern California showed that among women 16-29 years old who attended health clinics:
- More than one in seven had experienced birth control sabotage at some point in their lives.
- One in five said their partners had pressured them to get pregnant.
- About one in three women who reported partner violence also reported reproductive coercion.
- Reproductive coercion was reported by one in eight women who had never experienced other forms of partner violence—which means it can also happen in relationships that are not otherwise abusive.
In other words, if you’ve experienced physical harm, threats, birth control sabotage, or pregnancy pressure from a partner, you’re not alone. If the numbers above don’t convince you of that, check out women’s personal stories at KnowMoreSayMore.org.
My Relationship with My Daughter
I honestly feel that my being a teenage mother is one of the biggest reasons why the relationship with my daughter is so positive. In a very strange way I have the advantage of still very much being someone’s child and being the parent to my own child.
Because of my age and the fact that I still very much see and can closely identify with the emotions and day to day of being young, trying to navigate the world of emotions, relationships, school, and expectations of oneself I speak very candidly with Leilani about such topics.
Leilani and I already talk about relationships, sexuality, and sexual education-Notice they all have a comma between them because they are all different topics to be addressed individually- since she was 3. It’s all about discussing the topics in an age appropriate way.
She knows about good touch bad touch, that her vagina and body are hers and because she only has one she needs to take extra good care of it. In fact she knows that vaginas are so special that they have their very own doctor and she’s come with me to my gyno appointments before. Perhaps the first things she learned is that babies come out of vaginas not the sky, her reaction was priceless.
To me it’s about being the person and parent to her that I didn’t have growing up. No one helped me contextualize what I was hearing and seeing all around me and that’s what adults and parents are supposed to do for children.
Discussing these topics are not a huge deal which demands a “time to talk” and then I just pour it all out and hope she understands. Instead it’s part of our everyday lives because sex, sexuality, relationships, and body image are very much a part of everyone’s day whether they choose to admit it or not.
I am a firm believer that it is never “too early” to talk about these topics. When Leilani came home and told me that one of her classmates in the first grade told her she had sex dreams I was glad I was already talking to Leilani about these things.
Leilani knows more than I did at her age and possibly more than ten year olds. There is no need to sugar coat information that people need and will take with them for the rest of their lives. Doing so leads to gross misinformation and false education.
People need to start getting real and talking to their kids and talk often because everyone else is and if your not talking to your children you’re making them perfect prey for sex offenders and people willing to take advantage of them.
I'm a Teen Mom and I'm Changing Lives
“You should be changing the world, not diapers.” I can’t even read a magazine, go on the Internet, or look at a billboard without seeing some type of negativity towards me!
Who’s to say we are not capable of changing the world and changing a diaper at the same time? I may not be changing the WHOLE world but I am definitely changing lives. I’m an advocate, an activist, a leader, an ambassador, a blogger, and I have a voice. Everyday, people around me remind me that I am changing lives and the reason I am changing lives is because I changed diapers!
We know there’s a statistic that shows many young people are more motivated after they have their children. They become more determined after becoming a parent. I know because it happened to me. So, where are those billboards?
What about the young people that aren’t young parents, but become potheads, alcoholics, addicts, and convicts? Should we use their image to shame others not to follow in their footsteps? What about the parents that aren’t young but don’t become “successful” and fall into the same level as the young parents described in shaming ads? Let’s face it, there are a lot of young parents in this world but a lot of family struggles much worse that aren’t shamed. Why don’t we shame them too?
I totally understand that ads like these are supposed to be increase awareness on teen pregnancy prevention, but why the teen parent shaming? That’s the only thing these ads do: shame young parents like myself. All the teen pregnancy ads that come out nowadays are about “scaring” young people into not becoming young parents. I know people may think the “scare tactic” might work, but no one really thinks about the message they are sending pregnant or parenting teens.
Here’s an idea: Let’s shame parents, teachers, and schools that don’t prevent young people from becoming parents. Let’s shame them for ignoring the fact at they are going to have sex. Let’s shame those who only push abstinence and don’t talk about anything else. Why are there no shaming ads for this… we all know these tactics are NOT working!!
And here’s a news flash: teen pregnancy is NOT CONTAGIOUS!!! Most youth don’t look at other young parents and say, “Yea THAT IS the life I want!” It’s usually, “I cant imagine being a parent anytime soon”, “I feel bad for them”, and “That will never be me”. So please people stop blaming US, teen parents, for the lack of resources and the lack of education coming from the adult community! The most interesting part - most of the people I know that working on youth pregnancy prevention ARE young parents who are teaching people to see from their point of view. Yes, we are proud parents. But just because we are proud parents does NOT mean we are pushing young parenting on our peers, it’s the total opposite!
Yes, as young parents we go through many struggles everyday. Some things we wouldn’t wish for anyone. This very experience drives us to prevent teen pregnancy so others don’t have to go through what we went through. But please, instead of shaming and blaming young parents, why not try to find the good in us, what we want show you, and what we are capable of accomplishing. Instead, get to the root of the problem, which is the lack of resources, support, and education.
Come on society! Please stop closing your eyes and pointing fingers, open your eyes and take responsibility! I mean come on… as young parents, we already have!
Teen Mom in New York City
As a teen mom in New York City, I have seen ads that promote condom safety and depict young adults stating “my body my health” type messages. However, they are not anywhere as wide spread and flashy as the horrible anti-teenage pregnancy ads. In fact, I’ve only seen them twice while on the other hand I see the crying babies everyday, multiple times.
The type of ads that depict young people as decision makers of their lives, I feel are the best way to engage youth and give them a sense of empowerment about making safe decisions.
Depicting youth in ads making informed decisions works better than a crying baby. Why? Babies do not “talk” to teenagers, teenagers talk to teenagers. And the informational component is absolutely vital!
The one thing all of the ads miss is the accurate evidence call to action. What I mean by that is the ads might have the empowering theme or the shaming theme but they both lack in informing the people seeing the ads where to go to get information that can really inform and educate them.
You can’t just say make informed decisions, you need to provide information that is accurate so young people can make informed decisions because they have the information in the first place.
Moreover, I feel New York City needs a real comprehensive sex education mandate and not one that Mayor Bloomberg, Chancellor Walcott, and New York City’s Human Resources Administration (NYCHRA) like to say is in exsistence.
While the Bloomberg administration and NYCHRA like to say that sex education is one of the reasons for the drastic decline in teenage pregnancy in the city they can’t. They can not say that with any real certainty considering the mandate for comprehensive health education was just made in November 2011.
Measuring and qualifying the effect of such a mandate can not happen as quickly as they make it appear considering it hasn’t even been two full years since the mandate was put in place.
Over all New York City needs and can do a better job at informing youth accurately about matters of sexual health, sexuality, and relationships. We have the budget and the organizational and administrative people power to do so. What are we waiting for?
Teen Pregnancy is a Multi-Layered Issue
When it comes to preventing teen pregnancy, no one has a perfect universal solution. If there was a simple formula agreed upon by all decision-makers, teen pregnancy would not be the center of our conversations today, the National Day to Prevent Teen Pregnancy. We kick off the day by acknowledging that teen pregnancy rates in our state of Massachusetts, and in the United States as a whole, has reached record low in decades. Contrary to the belief of those who still think teen pregnancy is becoming an increasing “epidemic” across the nation, teens are both delaying sexual activity until later years and having safer sex. The round of applause goes to our youth for making these positive changes in their lives.
Over the past few decades, teen pregnancy (formerly the only type of pregnancy) has been determined to be an issue associated with negative outcomes in our culture. The link between teen parenthood and poverty is one we constantly read in articles and posts along with poor quality of life for both mother and child. Behind the shaming, judgment and bitterness, I see the positive intention: Americans want to see the youth in our society leading positive, productive, and successful lives. Whether we are parents or not, we want to know that all young people have equal opportunity for authentic growth. Thanks to the phenomenal organizations, agencies, programs, and sexual health superheroes who make sexual education and access to reproductive planning a priority, we can collectively continue to implement prevention strategies that work and disseminate knowledge to our young people.
During this journey, we must not forget to examine the lives of these teen parents prior to becoming teen parents. Prevention is more than handing out a condom or telling teens how to put one on. It’s more than trying to use teen parents’ lives as a scare tactic. We know the stereotypes and we know what teen parents are called and we know it’s beyond the bitter concept of eliminating deadbeat dads and baby mommas from the streets. It’s a time to address the injustices young people face in their communities and the lack of education they receive about the issues that directly affect their lives. It’s a conversation and an opportunity to educate young people – both girls and boys – about the difficult decisions we make in life, the inequities our communities face, and the resources and support available to them along the way. Support, not stigma.
Being a Young Parent Policy Fellow
I am truly honored to work with the Massachusetts Alliance on Teen Pregnancy as a Young Parent Policy Fellow, YPPF. Not only do I get to do what I like and want to do in the future, I also get to be apart of a family who love and support one another and also make you feel empowered. Being apart of the YPPF allowed me to do some of the work I want to go to school for and see myself doing as a career.
As a fellow we do policy work, research, focus groups, advocacy trainings, planning, and whatever else they would like us to do. It truly makes me feel like I’m making a difference, which to me is a real personal gain. I feel being apart of the YPPF, I have real found my path and passion and it has open so many new doors for me. I feel like I found who I am and I really blossomed into the person I was always destined to be. I found that I love public speaking and that I am somewhat of a natural at it. Even though I get nervous speaking in front of crowds, once I start there is not stopping me! I come alive inside and it’s like a high that I never want to come off, and without YPPF I would have been lost. I’m lucky that I found my calling and found what I love, so I can grow, blossom, and empower myself and fellow young parents!
If you are a young parent in the Boston area and interested in becoming a Young Parent Policy Fellow, please email kbright@massteenpregnancy.org for more information.
An Update on NYCHRA's Teen Mom Shaming
Many things have happened since the release of New York City’s Human Resources Association controversial anti -teenage pregnancy ads. These ads which use toddlers that appear distressed simply because their parents had them in their teens have caught the eye of the nation and opposition is strong. In addition to the shame and blame driven ads there is a text messaging game in which Ayana or Raphael will tell about how horrible, lonely, and poor they are going to be for the rest of their life. However, the text do not include information on how to actively avoid unsafe sex or teenage pregnancy.
A spokeswoman from Mayor Bloomberg’s office stated, “It is well past time when anyone can afford to be value neutral when it comes to teen pregnancy…”
However, advocate groups, activist, organizations, politicians, and teen parents are all outraged and say these ads are a huge step back for the Bloomberg administration that has been making progressive strides in birth control availability in schools.
After days of strong public opposition, a pretty tense exchange of words between Planned Parenthood and the Bloomberg administration the text messages now have included a small snippet about birth control in their text messaging game.
I myself have written a response to the ads in which I state that the city has yet to teach comprehensive sex education which was mandated by Chancellor Walcott in 2011. Furthermore, these ads are blaming teenage parents for the lack responsibility that NYC officials should be taking to maintain the 27% decline in teenage pregnancy in the city by providing comprehensive sex education to all youth in public schools.
Today NYC 4RJ - an independent network of activists advancing the human rights of women and girls of color in New York-has released a counter campaign to the cities ads with a statement letter that list the demands they have forNYCHRA and mayor Bloomberg’s office.
Below is the letter.
Dear Community,
The New York Coalition for Reproductive Justice (NYC4RJ) condemns the New York City Human Resource Administration’s (HRA) use of images and messaging that attacks young people and their families. This campaign, “Think Being a Teen Parent Won’t Cost You?” shames teen parents, especially teen parents of color, and uses images of their children to blame them for conditions that are society’s responsibility to address.
The New York Coalition for Reproductive Justice is a coalition of grassroots activists in New York City, working to advance the human rights of women and girls of color and LGBTQ people of color through our advocacy priority areas ofEducation, Health and Families.
We fail as a society when we shame young people instead of teaching them what they need to know to make the best decisions about their lives. For those of us who do direct service, education and advocacy around issues of poverty, access to comprehensive sex education, contraception, family planning and addressing health disparities that have historically impacted communities of color, we are acutely aware of the budget cuts to programs and services that could address and reverse these conditions within our communities. The New York Coalition for Reproductive Justice is holding HRA accountable for reinforcing negative stereotypes about the decision-making ability of young people instead of investing in programs and policies that encourage young people to thrive.
In response to this HRA campaign, the New York Coalition for Reproductive Justice asserts, teen parents need support, not shame! We are launching the NO STIGMA! NO SHAME! Campaign with the following demands:
- Public acknowledgement and apology from HRA
- Removal of all HRA campaign posters
- A meeting between the HRA and NYC4RJ leaders
- Creation of a Teen Parent Council within HRA, composed of teen parents and their advocates, to approve any future messaging around teen pregnancy prevention
In order to address teen pregnancy, the HRA and all New York City government programs must offer teen parents support, not stigmatizing messages. “In August, according to the Department Of Education’s Sex Education website, Chancellor Dennis Walcott announced that beginning in the second semester of the 2011-2012 school year, New York City will require schools to include sexual health education as part of comprehensive health education.” Teen parents need government officials to provide resources that encourage them to foster resilience instead of shaming them for creating their own families.
The New York City Coalition for Reproductive Justice calls on the HRA to dismantle this reprehensible campaign and address the real problem: lack of support for teen parents and their families.
Signed,
The New York Coalition for Reproductive Justice
Jasmine Burnett – Founder & Lead Organizer
Nicole Clark, MSW – No Stigma! No Shame! Campaign Leader
Being that the campaign has slowly began to change the text messages I am hoping that they are willing to understand that everyone wants to reduce the rate of teenage pregnancy in the city and the country but the way in which they are trying to do it is a waste of $400,000 and only further advertises that the city is out of touch when it comes to it’s youth.
You can learn more about and follow the counter campaign at on Twitter at #NOStigmaNoShame
Be Your Child's Friend: A Young Mom's Dedication to Her Children
I often hear people say that you can’t be your child’s friend. I know that it’s not true because my mother is my best friend. My mother was a very young teen mom and because of it she became a very wise.
Growing up my mom always told me stories about her life. She told me about the good, the bad, and the ugly; because of this I was able to learn from her mistakes and use her strengths to get ahead. She was open with me so I was able to be open with her even when I found myself pregnant at seventeen.
I was able to go to my mom for advice during my teenage years when my friends were scared to talk to their parents. My mother always had an open door policy; I could talk to her about anything without fear. My mom taught me problem solving skills by sharing stories of overcoming problems. I feel lucky to have such a close relationship with my mom I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.
Now that I have two little girls of my own I use a mixture of my mom’s approach and my own approach. My daughters enjoy hearing my stories and life lessons. My children take advantage of my open door policy; they know that no question is a stupid question they know that it is my mission to teach them through my experience; they know I will always speak from the heart; they know I will all ways be there to support them.
My 5 year old daughter’s often states that she is happy that I’m her mom after she have asked me lots of questions in sequence and then finds that she has no more questions left to ask. My 8 year old often surprises me with tuff questions but I take the time to answer every one. I wouldn’t trade them for anything in the world. Now I get to play the role mentor;
Mom + Friend= Mentor
Teach Your Children Life Skills
Mentor Your Children
The Child of a Single Teen Mom Responds
It took over 10 years before I realized my friend, Melody Chapin, was raised by a teen mom. I had no clue her mom was a teen mom and I would have never wondered or questioned or thought it even mattered. We were friends living in the same city, going to the same school, being raised by single young mothers, and unknowlingly fighting the same stigma. Yet, we were both honor roll students receiving student of the month awards and our mothers were there to applaud us.
After seeing the NYC teen pregnancy prevention ads, I decided to reach out to Melody for her perspective:
Out of all the new NYC anti-teen pregnancy ads, here’s the picture that really rubs me the wrong way. I love the isms embedded in this: the blatant racial targeting by using children of color; the blame game placed on the woman who is pregnant and insisted upon by ignoring the fact that men need to be included in these equations if we really want to lower teen pregnancy rates.
Then there’s the phrase, “90% of teen parents don’t marry each other,” which boggles my mind. I can’t tell if the ad is condemning young women who don’t marry (because marrying when you’re young and immature is always the right thing to do and will exemplify a long, stable, healthy relationship to your child, clearly), or simply declaring that the targeted reader will never have a chance at a healthy relationship now that she’s gotten herself pregnant and to just give up already because you’re screwed for the rest of your life and there’s no such thing as autonomy and life choices once you’re a pregnant teen. You’re not a human being anymore, you’re just a statistic that we can use on a poster along with a picture of a little Latina kid who of course is poor, because she’s Latina, duh. And we’re back to the racial targeting part.
Not to mention the blame game going on here. “He won’t stay with you,” “Are you ready to raise a child by yourself?” Talk about fear tactics. Sorry, NYC, but the truth is, support groups for pregnant teens actually exist. But if you insist on telling your targeted reader that she has to do everything alone, you’re drawing a direct line away from any help she might be proactive about seeking. You know, the kind of help that teach young mothers how to be advocates for themselves and their children. So, what’s really your agenda with these photos?
When a Campaign Ad Goes Wrong
I’m by no means a therapist, but I am a professional Marketing and Communications expert. After I was able to control my dismay of the new ad by the City of New York, I smiled a little and thought that their message was certainly targeted towards the wrong population. With their strategy to shame teen parents, and the children of teen parents they’re only getting the support of the people that already on their side, the people that already think teen parents have no future and that their children have already started way behind their peers born into two-parent homes of older parents. Hmm…wouldn’t an effective marketer have thought that if this campaign was targeted to teens, for them to prevent teen pregnancy, a more relevant strategy would have worked better? Well then maybe they don’t understand positive youth development, and they certainly failed to identify with their target audience.
I’m a former teen parent who was aided by organizations who value positive youth development and understand the importance of this approach in order to assist youth to reach their full potential. Positive youth development focuses on the strengths of an individual (youth) and builds on the weaknesses without labeling. I’m a fan of statistics; I like to see the research to prove a point, but I do think it was tasteless to use a child, to use statistics without clearly establishing the source, and to use the tactic of embarrassment for a young parent. Aren’t we supposed to be an accepting community? Don’t we constantly speak out against bullying? How is this poster any different?
I always like to say that my children are already pre-disposed to being at the bottom of their class, not have a parent who is involved, etc. I then follow those comments by gloating (yes, I brag) about their academic successes. I’m not alone in this — there are plenty of unheard voices of young parents out there who have found far more success than I have. Maybe this campaign was effective; it allowed the people who do believe in young parents to prove them wrong. It certainly had us talking about the obstacles and the hardships of teen parenting, and it certainly had a thing or two to teach to those young parents who still feel lost and helpless – know that you’re not alone, there’s help and there will always be someone who will believe and who will not allow you or your child to fall into the grim statistics highlighted in this poster. We’re saving a spot for you in the numbers that say we are capable of obtaining college degrees, find financial sustainability, and raise children who will break the cycle.
In turn, if the goal is to urge teens to be safe and delay teen pregnancy, wouldn’t a more effective way have been to obtain the input of teens on what they consider to be an effective way to communicate this exact message? Again, that is called positive youth development. As adults, we must exercise the use of good judgment, and this as certainly was an example of what not to do. I’m planning of having this conversation with my pre-teen daughter. At the end of the day, her input is more valuable than anything I could ever try to persuade her with. My only hope is that the City can revamp their way they’ll try to convey this message. I’m curious to see try number two.
